Yellowcoats and Jungle Green Trousers
by Mrs. Twelvetrees
Summary: Hi-de-Hi/It Ain't Half Hot Mum crossover fic. The Sergeant Major visits Maplins Holiday Camp and meets...Gladys Pugh. Two great Welsh Perry & Croft characters finally united!
1. Campers and Khaki

DISCLAIMER

All characters from Hi-de-Hi! and It Ain't Half Hot Mum belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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'Hello campers! Welcome to Maplins Holiday Camp.'

The velvety voice of Gladys Pugh floated from the tannoy across the olympic-sized swimming pool. Several busloads of new campers were on their way to the chalets, many of them escorted by yellowcoats. It was the beginning of autumn, and there were only a few more weeks of work left for the Maplins staff. Most of the activities were taking place in the Hawaiian ballroom this week, as it was now raining twenty-four hours a day.

Gladys had just finished her announcement and played her signature Maplins tune on the tiny xylophone on her desk, when she heard someone come into the hall. Expecting it to be Jeffrey Fairbrother, she got up, walked over to the door and opened it seductively. Gladys could do anything seductively, especially when Jeffrey Fairbrother was involved. When she stepped into the hall, however, the Maplins entertainment manager was not there to greet her.

A man wearing a khaki-coloured overcoat stood there, soaked by the heavy rain, looking around confusedly and shivering. He had a moustache with pointy ends and a brown homburg hat which somehow did not seem to suit him very well. Gladys walked over to him.

'Hello, I'm Gladys Pugh,' she said kindly, 'I expect you're one of the new campers?'

The man gave a little start first, as he had not noticed her until she started to speak, but then he took off his homburg and shook her hand.

'Well, yes. I arrived a bit late, you see, and the camp seemed to be deserted.'

'Yes, they're all in their chalets by now.'

'So I came in 'ere. I hope you don't mind.'

'No, of course not. I'll help you get settled. Maybe you should take that coat off, it's soaked,' said Gladys. She held out her hands to take it. The man unbuttoned his dripping coat and handed it to her. Gladys looked at what he was wearing. His trousers were jungle green, his shirt khaki-coloured, and his checkered spencer was...green and khaki.

'Alright, let's find your chalet, Mr...'

'Oh, erm...Tudor Bryn Williams,' the man said hesitantly, 'I'm sorry, I was in the harmy back in India, you see. I'm not used to my name anymore. I don't even really like it, as a matter of fact.'

'Well, it's a good Welsh name,' said Gladys, making the man smile, 'but what are you used to being called, then?'

'Sergeant Major.'

'Let's find your chalet, Sergeant Major.'

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_...to be continued._


	2. Plugs and Pictures

DISCLAIMER

All characters from Hi-de-Hi! and It Ain't Half Hot Mum belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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Sergeant Major Williams sat down on his chalet bed. Gladys had just left, after having made sure he had everything he needed. His wet overcoat was suspended from a hanger on the outside of his closet. Just as he was putting some of his things away in the drawer of his bedside table, someone knocked on the door. Before he could even react, the chalet door swung open. Peggy Ollerenshaw came bursting in with her trolley.

'Blimey,' she gasped, closing the door behind her and collapsing against it to catch her breath, 'it's just getting worse an' worse, i'n't it? 'Ave you seen what it's like out there? Oh, of course, you 'ave, you've just arrived, 'a'n't you? Oooh, just look at yer coat, it's soaked right through!'

'Who are you?'

'Oh, sorry! Peggy Ollerenshaw,' she shouted, grabbing his hand and shaking it, 'I'm only a chalet maid, but I'm gonna be a great yellowcoat one day, you'll see, I've got lots of go in me! Oh, I almost forgot! 'Ere's yer soap and yer plug for the sink. We keep 'em locked up in the storage chalet 'cause the campers knock 'em off when no one's looking!'

'Thank you,' he said, getting up to take the items from her.

'Well, I 'ope you 'ave a lovely week. Of course you will, the yellowcoats'll see to that! You've met Gladys, 'a'n't you?'

'Yes, I 'ave.'

'She's nice, i'n't she?'

'Very nice.'

'Yes, well...if there's anything you need, just tell me!'

'Thanks.'

Peggy opened the door again and went out with her trolley, fervently shouting 'blimey' as the wind and rain turned her hair into a frizzy blob of candy floss.

The Sergeant Major sat down on the bed again and continued to unpack his trunk. Pyjamas, bathrobe, shaving things...and a photograph. The beautiful face of Edith Parkins serenely smiled up at him from the picture frame he had carried with him for more than twenty years. Since they had met in Colchester a few years after the Great War, that photograph had always been there. It had been to India with him: to Deolali, to Birma, and back to Blighty when the last war ended. He had gone back to see her for the first time in two decades, together with Gunner Parkins, their son. But Edith was married now, and Parky bore a resemblance to her husband that could not be mistaken for a coincidence.

And now he was here, at this holiday camp. He had nothing. No Edith, no Parky, not even little Lofty Sugden or Muhammed the char wallah to shout at. Only that photograph, that old photograph of what turns out to have been a mere dream all these years.

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_...to be continued._


	3. Drinks and Dreams

DISCLAIMER

All characters from Hi-de-Hi! and It Ain't Half Hot Mum belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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It was 10 p.m. and the campers were beginning to leave the Hawaiian ballroom. Bert Swanley and the Debonairs were still playing some slow, instrumental music in the background. The Maplins staff were all sitting at the bar, sipping their drinks and discussing the first day of the week. Peggy was hardly visible behind her large piña colada with three umbrellas, six fancy straws and her bowl of pistachio ice cream with extra whipped cream, two upside-down cones and chocolate sprinkles. Mr. Fairbrother, Ted and Spike were having beers and Gladys was stirring her bloody mary with a piece of celery.

'Gladys,' mumbled Peggy from behind her whipped cream with her mouth full of straws, 'that man in chalet 29, you know, the one with the moustache and the wet overcoat...'

'Yes, Peggy?'

'Well, I 'a'n't seen 'im all evening. 'Ave you?'

'No, I haven't, Peggy. I expect he's tired from traveling.'

'D'you think so?' said Peggy inquisitively, crunching the tip of a cone between her teeth and chewing on it loudly, 'he a'n't come that far, 'as 'e?'

'Where's he from then, Gladys?' Spike asked. Gladys took a big gulp of her drink before replying.

'He's from Wales.'

'Oh, yes?' said Ted with a distinctly suggestive tone in his voice.

'But he was in India for quite some time. In the army. He's only just come back.'

'Yes, 'e looked a bit lost if you ask me, poor thing,' slurped Peggy with a cocktail umbrella up her nose.

'He did a bit, didn't he?' whispered Gladys with a worried look on her face. Somehow he mattered to her. She looked over to Jeffrey Fairbrother who was once again trying to solve an argument between Fred Quilley and Mr. Partridge. As always, he didn't succeed and the scene ended with Mr. Partridge shouting 'You smell of horses,' and Fred shouting 'You smell like a distillery'. Then the Punch-and-Judy man walked away, mumbling 'sod off' and falling over every few feet.

Mr. Fairbrother sighed and bought another round of drinks for everyone, except for Mr. Partridge, who had now fallen over face-first into the cleavage of the stout, middle aged woman from chalet 12 who seemed to welcome the attention.

Just as a large group of campers was leaving the Hawaiian ballroom, the Sergeant Major quietly came in. He walked slowly up to the bar, ordered a straight double gin and sat down at a small table in a dark, faraway corner. At first it seemed as if nobody had noticed his arrival, but Gladys, having just received a fresh bloody mary from the bartender, shuffled softly over to him.

'Hello there.'

'Hello. I didn't think you had seen me.'

'Oh. I can go back to the bar if you want me to...'

'No, no, sit down,' said the Sergeant Major while he stood up and helped her to a chair, 'I'm sorry I 'aven't been very social like, this evening.'

'Oh, that's alright. You probably need a bit of time to get used 'ere again, don't you?'

'It's all so different, you know. Different from India, but also...different from what I 'ad expected it to be like...when I'd get back.' He drained half of his glass in one gulp.

'A lot has changed,' said Gladys, not knowing what he was referring to but somehow understanding all the same, 'sometimes you have to let go of your dreams to get your life back.'

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_...to be continued._


	4. Kisses and Confusion

DISCLAIMER 

All characters from Hi-de-Hi! and It Ain't Half Hot Mum belong to David Croft and Jimmy Perry. (I'm just borrowing them...)

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The Sergeant Major escorted Gladys back to her chalet. They had talked for another hour after 'Good Night Campers,' and it wasn't until the Hawaiian ballroom was completely deserted and closed for the night that they finally went outside. Gladys' vision was troubled by the endless stream of bloody marys she had ingested, as well as by the rain which was now pouring down so hard it was tempting to put on a snorkle. By the time they reached the door of her chalet, they were both soaked to the skin. Gladys fumbled through her pockets for her keys and when she finally found them, leaned so vigorously against the door that she literally fell inside as she opened it.

'I'll see you tomorrow then,' mumbled Gladys vaguely with her nose squashed into the carpet.

'I don't think I can really leave you here like this,' replied the Sergeant Major as he closed the door behind him and kneeled down to help her up, 'Come on, up you get.'

Gladys grabbed hold of his arm and felt herself being pulled up off the floor. She already felt slightly better, apart from the fact that she was still seeing double. She threw off her soaked coat, staggered over to her bed and sat down on it, now contemplating why she had two bedside tables in her chalet. The Sergeant Major sat down next to her and pushed a glass of water into her hands.

'Will you be alright?'

'Oh, don't be silly,' slurred Gladys, sipping her water and then putting it down on the nonexistent second bedside table. The glass hit the floor with a crash.

'Leave it,' said Gladys to the Sergeant Major, who was about to get up and clear away the shards of glass, 'I'll do that in the morning.'

'Good night, then.'

Gladys leaned forward into the Sergeant Major's arms, pressing her lips against his. Then, there was a knock on the door.

'Gladys!' called the voice of Jeffrey Fairbrother from outside the chalet, 'Are you alright? I was just walking past and I thought I heard the sound of breaking glass.'

Gladys got up, suddenly completely sober again, ran to the door and opened it.

'Hello, Jeffrey.'

'Are you alright, Gladys? You look slightly disheveled. Nothing serious, I hope?'

'No, I just dropped a glass of water, that's all.'

'Oh, I see. Do you need me to help you clean it up?'

'Oh, no...I'm a bit tired. I'll get that done later. But thank you.'

'Don't forget you're judging the Knobbly Knees competition tomorrow morning, will you?'

'I won't forget. Good night.'

'Good night, Gladys.'

As the footsteps of Jeffrey Fairbrother disappeared in the direction of his own chalet, Gladys turned around to see the Sergeant Major pick up the last pieces of broken glass and put them in the dustbin. He then stepped outside and turned to face Gladys.

'Good night.'

'Good night.'

Gladys had never felt this awkward before. She thought she knew what she was doing, excluding the incident with the glass and the imaginary bedside table, but then Jeffrey Fairbrother came along again and complicated everything. She got under her blanket, still in her Maplins uniform, while in the next chalet, Yvonne and Barry Stuart-Hargreaves removed their ears from their flowery wallpaper and also went to sleep.

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_...to be continued._


End file.
